Saturday, August 17, 2002

So, I admit it's been a while since I've updated... Some stuff has happend, and some stuff that should have happend didn't.

I can't even begin to start, I work 5 days a week, 8 hours a day, full time good hours, healthy hours. I work in retail. It's a bitch, people are bitches. I've come to laugh it off, it's another experiance I've gone through, at first it used to get to me, I'd come home stressed and want to shoot everything in sight, now... I laugh, hysterically. My ex-husband and I see eachother every once and a while in passing online. Our coversations are short and often contain such things as 'when are you sending my stuff' or 'can I have whatever back'. I laugh at that too now. I finally took the ring off, it was on my thumb for a while, then on my keychain now it's gone, locked away in it's own little private box. It's been 5 months since he left, it seems like forever and I'm having a good time. I admit I'm not exactly happy with myself, but I'm happy with my surroundings. After some thought I've decided to take things slowly, every choice in my life has been made in an instant. Granted life is to short, but then again it's also to short to miss the stops in between. I still cry, not as often and not about anything in particular, just... stuff, it's good to let loose once and a while, healing...
There is a gentleman online whom I speak to often (okay, every god damn day) he's sweet, caring, compassionate, handsome and charming. He's also across the Atlantic sea in England. But maybe we'll work on that. I'm not expecting anything from it, maybe it will grow, maybe it won't I do know I care about him deeply and could see myself in his arms, at the same time you have to kind of look at things realistically.

So, work... There's this guy there, his name is Bill... I've been mildly attracted to him since I started working there almost a year ago. He kinda reminds me of me... When I met him he was married, a child and another on the way. Now he's going through a messy divorce with his wife, who is trying to destroy him. Anyway, last week... I'm sitting in the office doing some price checks and minor stuff on the computer terminal and he says, "Lis, when are you going for your break?" I look at the clock and shrug, "Err, prolly about 12-ish... Why?" He smiles really cutely and says, "Do you want to go for coffee on your break?" I chuckle and nod, "Sure." Thinking he wants me to go pick coffee -up- for him. So break time rolls around and I knock on the office door and ask him what he wants from the coffee shop, he stands and says, "no.. I ment go -with- you." I blush profusely and stare at my shoes then blurt out, "Oh! Oh... Okay!" God, sometimes I can be the biggest moron.

Anyway, two days in a row we go for coffee and we're on the discussion of movies, he mentions he'd like to go see XXX with Vin Diesel in it, then goes on to tell me, "But I have no one to go with..." I take that as a hint and say, "I'd go with you!" He kind of mumbles and I take that as an affirmitive. 'NO'. Then leave it at that, kind of hurt and such. I don't even say good bye to him at the end of the day.

Okay, it's Tuesday now, the next day... He wanders up to me and smiles, "you didn't even say good bye to me yesterday!" I look at him blankly and say, "Err, sorry I had to go in a hurry." Which I didn't but at the same time I wasn't going to admit that I was disappointed by yesterday's blow off. Anyway, he says something to the effect that he wants to go to the movies with me and asks if I can go on thursday after work, I nearly shit my pants and burble out a, "Sure! I'd love to!" He winks and murmers he's picking the seats and not telling me where they are until thursday night. Tee hee, he's so -cute-.

So, it's thursday, I know he's working, I see his car, but I havn't seen him all day. (The store isn't that big) So I figure he's really working hard or avoiding me. Again I'm a bit miffed, more pissed off then anything. Towards the end of the day he comes up to me at my cash, buys a pack of gum and an auto trader, I say nothing to him, don't even -look- up at him. He looks a bit discouraged by this and I'm thinking to myself, 'Good you shit, you look that way!' I get so angry *laughs*

Anywho, he later tells me he just got back some papers from his wifes laywer and their pretty nasty, he's not really in the mood to go tonight, but we'll make another time for it, I nod and mutter I wasn't really up to it anyway.

Friday, Prince charming is there... Except he's really distant, hurt looking, angry. I wait all day to see him and when I do, I'm afraid to approach him, I walk by him what must have seemed like a million times but never quite get the courage to say anything. Finally just as I'm about to leave I walk right up to him and nudge him a bit and whisper, "Are you okay?" He doesn't even -LOOK- at me and he said, "Nope." So I blink, a bit confused and worried then whisper again. "What's wrong?" He states flatly, "Nothing." So I take that as my cue and I shrug, walking away, "Okay..."

I went and bought him a card, something to the effect of cheer up, if you ever need someone to bitch at then give me a call, I put my number in there... Maybe he'll call, maybe he won't. I hope he does though, I'd like to help him, even if I just sat there while he blazed at me. I know how he feels, mildly. I mean I didn't have kids and my divorce isn't nearly as bad. But at the same time I know... I mention to a good friend who also happens to be a co-worker the situation and she laughs, "I -knew- there was something going on between you two! You look so cute together." I shake my head and grin, "Neh, nothing going on, maybe never will be... Maybe I'm just being stupid in thinking he was interested in a friendship with me." And maybe I am, you be the judge.

Well it's late, I have to work tomorrow, which is a Sunday, 10am until 6pm. I look forward to having some sleep before hand. Maybe see my baby online... Although it's late over there. *sigh*

Good night folks, don't forget to brush your teeth.