Thursday, July 25, 2002

I don't know what to think anymore, how to feel, what to feel... I'm at my wits end. This isn't just about my husband leaving me, it's about my life. So many dead ends, so many heartaches that could have been avoided. I'm an idiot. From the moment I was born, I have been. it's always about me, isn't it? Wah wah wah, I'm sorry if I have high goals that I'll never be able to reach. I'm sorry if I love to easily, trust to freely. Fuck I'm sorry for being sorry. My life is... Cliche. Abusive, abnormal, dysfunctional. It's all irrelevant, isn't it? If I had the balls, If I had some gumption I'd get up and leave, walk away into unknown territory... I want so many things from life, so many things that could, might make me happy. But I have ties, don't I? Do I risk leaving the country I've known all my life to go live with a bunch of people I've only known for a short time and never met in my life? Do I risk losing my family over it? Does my family own me? So many questions that I wish I could answer myself, I had hoped to move to the UK, live out my life working there, loving there. I had hoped to get my drivers licence, schooling and life's little finacial disasters sorted before I got to England. But I don't know what's possible anymore. I know I just want to leave, and I know my mother feels angry about that, for all she's done and tried to do for me. But she has her own life, she needs to make it on her own just as I do. She has two beautiful children, Steven is six, Lauren is a year and a half. Granted her marrige seems to leave much to be desired. But if she can't work it out with him, then I know she can go on. Me, I havn't to much to hold to here. Family is so important to me, yet I feel the urge to leave the nest, I have always felt that way. I can't explain weather it's to escape it, or leave it because I want a new direction, something that no-one in my life has tried and suceeded in. My head swims with the possibilities of my future, what I -could- be doing, and how. The point is, I need to get there, I feel weighed down, dragged out, worn. So many obligations... I've begged for help, the right kind of help, I keep getting told I'm stupid for wanting to disban from here, I'm going to make yet another mistake when I do. But isn't that up to me to decided? Could I not be happy over there? Living with friends I've met? Finding new ones? Giving myself a breath of a new existance? I just want out. Not that it's horrible here anymore, but it used to be. I can remember being terrified of both my parents, they were fierce, hurtfull, vengefull. I remember crying as a little girl alot, I don't cry as much now, I hold it within and hope someday it will disolve of it's own accord. I forgive my parents for what they did, up until few months ago I was still fighting the inner demons of my past. Now it's just whispers instead of angry screams. I like living here, with my mother and my family, but at the same time I feel crunched, I don't have the opertunity to be who I want to be. I have to explain myself, it's their home... And I respect that fully, but I'm 21, I don't need to be here, as welcome as they have made me feel. Right now, I can't afford to live on my own, or I would, at the same time I don't see it right that I live here until my debts are paid off then fuck off to some forgien country. Do you see where I'm coming from? Do you understand why I feel so trapped, blocked in and barricaded? Its not just about me, it's who I will effect. Who I will let down, let go of and leave behind. What will they think of me? Will they hate me? Will they regreat ever helping me? Its so hard to talk when your head is buzzing with everything you've ever known inside. It's rattling in my skull, each thought and memory rebounding off another, colliding and causing this huge jumble of utter and compleate crap. Then it evolves, it takes on a life of its own, causing me to say and do things I don't really know if I mean. I wish I could write a book, but then again doesn't everyone? Would my life be so different from anothers? Would someone learn from my mistakes? God no... I certainly didn't learn from other peoples. No more spending money on needless crap, no more living in debt. No fucking More. I'm going to move as soon as I can, provided I don't get booted out on my ass again. I'm going to sell my wordly possesions, leave those dregs of pain behind with someone else. I'm going to get some fucking money together and get myself in shape, healthy. Fuck, I could write a whole book with nothing but the word FUCK. It's a beautiful word, don't you think? Fuck this, Fuck that, Fuck him,. Fuck her, Get fucked, Fuck off, Go fuck yourself, Fuck you and yours, Fucking bitch, Fucking hell, Fuck the world, Fuck your family, Fuck your mother, father, sister and brother, hell Fuck your grandparents too. Fuck me, Fuck you.

I'm tired and I had this huge... I don't know what the fuck it was called with my Ex. Basically he's getting to the point where legally this, and legally that. Well FUCK legally. I won't give up just yet, I still have some time left... even if it's just a little.

I don't have all the time in the world, but I have all the time in my sad, sorry existance, and if it means going out and getting shit done then fine. Yeah, call me selfish, tell me I'm thinking of myself but I don't have children, I don't have a wonderful high paying job and I don't own anything important, so what if I want to move over there? I love it there, I want to live and breath that air. I need that place. To many bad memories here, even if I lied and said I put some of them to rest... I just don't want to do -this- anylonger.

Don't try and hold me down... The more people do the worse it gets. I remember the day I first left for England with Ross, my mother was crying so hard... And everytime I called her she would cry and cry and cry. I remember feeling bad, guilty. It's half the reason I came back, if not all of it. Maybe I shouldn't have... Would my life have been different? She would have gotten over it, I know she would have. Maybe she would never have forgived me, but I really wouldn't have had any control over that. So who's to blame? is there blame to be laid on to anyone? Circumstance, that's a hidious word... "It was just circumstance." I think Ross used to use the phrase, "Give me a place to stand, and I will move the world." I thought it funny, because he never really acomplished much in his time with me. Now he's moving, and I'm at a stand still. My head is throbbing and my fingers are numb, but I just want to keep typing, the rattle of the keys is somehow relaxing, the quiet hum of my computer, the white glare of the screen against my face, it's familiar in this unfamiliar territory. My father told me tonight I should smash it, no good will come of it. It's classified as evil and there are weird people on the internet... Does that make me weird and evil too? I don't think my friends are weird or evil, they're just like me, alone, hurting and wanting without having access to much else. I can relate, this is why I'm going to see them, every last one.

I don't want to die with a broken heart, please... Someone help me find the pieces.

Wednesday, July 24, 2002

"And mmm she said..."

Well, it's 11pm and the power has just come back on after being out for several hours. Because I live in the sticks A.K.A buttfuck idaho, when the power goes out its for hours if not all night long. I only have one question, why does the power go out only at night time when you really need it to pass the time before bed, watch TV, need lights? Curious. Or maybe it only goes out at night here, because someone HATES me and deprives my of my electronic pleasures.

So, there is this man... I doubt we'll ever see eachother IRL, and if we do, Whoa, world watch out...

When I picture you...
I think of your eyes, how they might gaze at me as you slip yourself inside me. Would they stay locked with mine while our bodies moved in time with one another? Would they let me know your thoughts without your lips uttering a single word? Would they show me a man who is loving, passionate and capable of making me feel like a complete woman? Would your stare silence me, if only for a moment and make the fires inside me burn even stronger? In your eyes... I would see everything.
What of your lips? would the tell me your life, would they speak of honesty, compassion, hope for a future? can they please me in ways I've only read about and never experianced?
And those lips... would they be tender to kiss?
Your hands, can they to be tender and touch me in a way to make me feel alive again, to know every inch of my body as it is? Will they grasp me when things just get to much, a grip to reassure? Can they caress me with the only intention of pleasing me? Would your fingertips brush away the tears that stream down my cheeks, away?
When I picture you...

They say you never love the same twice, but what is the definition of love? Where does lust stop and love begin? Does caring for someone on a very personal level constiture as love? I think - LOVE is overated, really. I mean, I know I care for someone, and I love them on levels... Close friend, family, immediate family, partner/mate. I don't know, it's curious... And for the most part confusing, and when I'm stoned like I am, at this very moment, I tend to get all thoughful about stuff like this.

Then, I think I love someone and... well, I don't know what I feel. Take for example, a character named Damon, I won't deny I lusted for him, for 3 years that I knew him online, through my marrige. I thought, if there is going to be one person I'd cheat on my husband with, it would be him. Then something happend, after years of defending him and his stupid tactics on various places that we all hung around on the interenet, I thought, hmmm... Maybe if he's bullshiting all these people about who he is, then he's bullshitting me too... Maybe he's laughing at how stupid I am over him. I was drunk one night and told him I loved him, but did I love him? I can't tell. Now he has his fiance, and I rarely speak to him... He never contacts me about anything but a game we both play. Ah well... Nothing lost, nothing gained I suppose.
I miss him though, I miss shooting the shit, talking dirty and laughing ourselves silly...

Mmmm, black tea, candles and some Tea Party. Good night folks...