Monday, July 15, 2002

I guess it's time for another update, things are moving progressivly slower lately, I don't know if it's because of the summer or what, things just seem to be going at a sluggish pace...
The past few days I've been to the strip club again, where I got utterly toasted and winded up passing out cold on the way home. I can't remember much of that night actually, I know I was incredibly bored so I just kept drinking. Work is the same old story, people and their bullshit, suck ups, back stabbers, idiots and ditsy bints. I'm really striving to save my hard earned funds now so I might be able to start and get working on those long term goals that will define my future. I sat and reminiced with my mother the other night, it was interesting. I fucked up my diet the past three days, I don't know what caused me to do it, but I can tell you I felt like crap afterwards.

I'm sitting in my make-shift room at my parents house, listening to "In to my arms" by Nick cave, a few candles flickering around my slapped together desk. I'm smiling tonight, a few things fluttering around my cobwebbed mind. I remember the time Ross and I tied a plastic bag to my dad's rather fat orange cat and he flipped out, booted around the house like some posessed creature, white plastic bag flapping at his ankles like a cape, ears flat against his head it was incredibly hilarious at the time, he looked like some super power hero flinging himself through the apartment.

*Sigh* I recently got to talking to this guy I've known for a while online, he told me how beautiful, intelligent and wonderful I was... but I have to wonder, if I am all these things, all these glorious things people tell me I am, why am I here? What have I got? Why do I cry in desperation for a better standard of life? Why, if I'm so intelligent am I going to be a divorced woman at the ripe age of 21? How much of these things people tell me are true? It's a crazy life, I keep saying I need to make the most of it maybe I should really start doing it, hmm?

There are things I'll never understand, there are people I'll never meet yet they have made such an impact on my life. When it's late, moonlight seems through my blinds and I'm laying in bed with my barrage of pillows and duvets, I really relise we're so very much alone in this world, so many of us long for companionship, for a lover, a friend, someone you can open yourself to... But what does it take to get that? How many times do you have to be broken for true love to stumble into your lap? People tell me I need a religion or a faith of somesort... I ask why? I'm one of those people who relies on facts and proof to belive anything worthwhile. Perhaps that's a fault? I'm not sure. But why burry myself in something I'll never fully belive anyway? What is faith? Why should you -need- something to belive in, other then yourself and your own powers? Is that a selfish thought? I don't know...

I never really dreamed of Ross when he was with me, but I dream of him all the time now. It's like my sub-concious is keeping the wounds open by some mind of it's own. Letting them seep into the depths of my soul, like an itch that will never stop. I picture him as I first met him, I wake up looking for him sometimes because the dreams, they're so vivid. I could never divulge this to him though, he'd feel he's won, or has something over me. Like he's over me compleatly and I'm the sad bastard at the end of the race. No, he's got his own life now, it will never involve me again, I was a mistake, a memory he'll have wiped away in a few years time. I smudge on his perfect life. I bet he'll get married again, have a couple of kids, buy a nice home somewhere and they'll never know that somewhere else I was part of him for a short time.

I'm looking out my window, I life in a small suburb in the country, I can see families with their kids and dogs, walking... I wonder sometimes if I'll ever be that mother walking down the street with her children and husband. Crazy... Simply crazy. I'm going to go for a couple of cigarettes and drink a coffee, clear my head some. In the meantime here's a letter that never got to Ross, he'll never read it, so I might as well share it with someone.

To the one and only man who will have the title of My Ex Husband:

I've just arrived home from a night at the movies with some friends from work... We spoke little, but still seemed to all enjoy the evening just the same. The movie... Well it wasn't worth the $13.50 I paid, but it passed the average level and managed to kill another evening of my life. It's been 38 days, but I'm not counting, its just more of a fact, isn't it? 38 days to deal with the past events of my life, crammed into a span of a month. 38 days to breath a sigh of frustration, relief, happiness and angst, perhaps all at once. 38 days I've laid in a bed that isn't ours anymore, it's Mine. 38 days to come to grips with the hurt that swamped this... that... thing we called marrige. 38 days, some went by fast while others dragged on painstakingly slow. There has been ones where the lump in my throat is less noticable, there are some when tears finally break free of the walls that hold them in thier little ducts. Then there are some when I smile for the sake of smiling, I laugh because I feel like laughing, I wish someone a wonderful day when it's pissing down rain outside.
I take little bits of time out of my day to rustle up some memory of us, you... Sometimes they are the good ones and I let a giggle escape. Sometimes they are the ones that make me want to curl up and pull a blanket over my head, but nevertheless they are my memories and you can't erase them, I've tried. It feels like eternity, it feels like years have passed and I've slowly morphed into this woman, this woman who can take the world on her shoulders and still carry the sun and moon in the palms of her hands. You -arn't- the end of my life, you are not the end of all things good to come... I know this, perhaps I always have. You can't hurt me, change me. You can call me all you want, if you can't take my sad pathetic version of romanticism then yeah, we wern't 'ment' to be.
I still wear the ring, it's on my finger where it will probably stay for a good long time, if not forever. I will -never- re-marry. Once was enough, you only have one shot at something like that, you can only be broken so many times before you're just to cracked to be repaired. Sure, I could fall in love again, I could smile into some other man's chest as he holds me, but he'll never be what I felt for you, not the same. You knew when you left you were never coming back, I could see it in your eyes, even if you couldn't. I saw you leave a while ago...
I have dreams Ross, I have a life to lead, I have responsibilities, I have a god damn future. Where my life goes from here and where ever it heads from now until the day I die... You will always be carried, tucked away in that private part of my soul. The next woman you love... I hope she can understand the things about you, that I couldn't.
Honestly, bitterness comes with all of these emotions, and for ever part of me that loves you, there's another half that hates you. I let you steal away the best years of my life, I let you steal my innocence, or what remained of it. I let you add your little bit of the recipe that has become me. I had so much to offer you if only you had of waited a little longer... If only's shouldn't exist.
I'm going to go to sleep now, lie to myself for another day that things will sort themselves out and all will be right with the world. I'm going to lay down here in this bed and close my eyes with visions of my future.
I will forever love the man who gave me the best gift of all, Myself.
Good Night, Ross Cook from the UK.