Monday, July 08, 2002

It's been another week, another slice off my life on this earth.
I'm again sitting here wondering what the fuck I continue on for, for the sheer hell of the great fall at the end of a journey? Because I'm a glutton for punishment? Why? What is it that is driving me....

I talk to the ex, as I fondly refur to him now, we talk but its icy, it's boardering on bitter. He has his fantastic new life and I have whatever this is... He has a new love, someone he can share the rest of his life with perhaps, someone who is closer than I ever got to him? Who knows. I don't ask. I lead myself to belive I don't care either... And in a way, I don't, I can't exactly discribe what I fell for him anymore. His face is blurry in my mind now, I can't even remember the sound of his voice. Does this happend to others? Or am I blocking it away because it hurts to face it? I havn't cried in a while... I know that. But today, today the tears flow, they sting my sunburned cheeks.

What am I crying for? Am I crying out of desperation? Pent up anger? What -are- these tears from? I was rumaging through a couple of things I brought with me to my parents house and I came across a shirt of his, before I knew what was happening I found myself hugging it, smelling it, running my fingers along the stitches that once pressed against his skin. What the hell for? What posessed me to do such a thing? My head hurts today... It hurts just like it did when my life was tossed out the window along with my future. Its full of horrible thoughts of simply disapearing into the depths of some country and never looking back. It's wandering and toying with the idea of waring myself to the bone and letting myself simply die. A slow suicide, one that takes years to achieve.
Like that movie, Leaving Las Vegas... Where he drinks himself to death over a period of months... Har... Suicide isn't romantic, its a cowards way, I know that, but I can toy with the private thoughts in my head. Death scares me, I could never *DO* anything like it... But sometimes it's good to let it get a hold of you for a fraction of a second and let you fantasize about a way out.

It's kind of sad really, I put all my trust into the wrong people. I trusted someone I'd never met online over my husband, I trusted people who lied to me time and time again. I trusted all the wrong people and they burned me. Now I'm left with this fucking life I lead now. I swear they should run a reality TV series on my house. It's mental.

Someone I knew online for 3 years told me he loved me, I love him too... But when facts come down to facts, it would be utterly and compleatly stupid for anything to come of it. I've -been- there, I've done it. It failed, I won't be broken any more times than I can help.

The sad thing is... If Ross asked me to go back to him right now, I'd concider it. I'm a retard, but I've seen all the mistakes... I've lived and breathed them. I watched them eat away at a realationship that could have been decent. At the time, I was to selfish and guarded. He was to ignorant and self-sufficient, he probably still is. I don't see him changing the way I have...

I hope he does change though, he was a bastard, not so much to me until the last few months... but to everyone else. He beat my animals until they bled, I'll -NEVER- forgive him for that, ever. He had a horrible way of handling stress, he'd bottle it all up and explode on the wrong thing, usually one of my pets. I remember the time he told me if I ever left him, he'd kill himself. I was terrified after that, he had a knife in his hand and everything. So many times we did stupid things, in fear, hate, love, rage... So many... mistakes. And now, I'm crying, what is he doing? I don't know, do I care? I'm not sure of that either... I do know that I'll never stop loving him, not as I used to, but a love of some sort will always burn in the background.

Guns 'N Roses have a song, Estranged, it describes the way I'm feeling at the moment...

When you're talkin' to yourself
and nobody's home
You can fool yourself
You came in this world alone

So nobody ever told you baby
how it was gonna be
So what'll happen to you baby
Guess we'll have to wait and see
One, two

Old at heart but I'm only 28
And I'm much too young
to let love break my heart
Young at heart but it's getting much too late
To find ourselves so far apart

I don't know how you're s'posed
to find me lately
An what more could you ask from me
How could you say that I never needed you
When you took everything
Said you took everything from me

Young at heart an it gets so hard to wait
When no one I know can seem to help me now
Old at heart but I mustn't hesitate
If I'm to find my own way out

Still talkin' to myself and nobody's home

So nobody ever told us baby
how it was gonna be
So what'll happen to us baby
Guess we'll have to wait and see

When I find all of the reasons
Maybe I'll find another way
Find another day
With all the changing seasons of my life
Maybe I'll get it right next time
An now that you've been broken down
Got your head out of the clouds
You're back down on the ground
And you don't talk so loud
an you don't walk so proud
Any more, and what for

Well I jumped into the river too many times
to make it home
I'm out here on my own, an drifting all alone
If it doesn't show give it time
To read between the lines
'Cause I see the storm getting closer
And the waves they get so high
Seems everything we've ever known's here
Why must it drift away and die

I'll never find anyone to replace you
Guess I'll have to make it thru, this time
Oh this time
Without you

I knew the storm was getting closer
And all my friends said I was high
But everything we've ever known's here
I never wanted it to die

Well I'm off tonight, maybe I'll disappear... For a little while anyway. Concentrate on a few important things... Like living.