Thursday, April 18, 2002

*sigh* Through another day at work... I -almost- lost it today on a customer too, I guess I'm just really high strung.
I can't seem to relax, for one moment... I'm not getting enough sleep, or rather the kind of sleep I'm accoustomed to.
Anyway, it's 11pm EST and I suppose I better get the second installment in.

For the next two weeks He spent in canada with me, we made love every day, up to three times a day, everywhere, anywhere, we were totally lost in eachother and remained that way right through the next 7 months when I went to his home in the UK. I loved it there, yeah I missed my family alot and towards the end I was depressed. But I loved the culture, I loved the life I had there... The country is beautiful, centuries of history beneath your feet. We were pretty happy together though, our little arguments were tame compared to the ones that would follow.

April 17th 1999 we arrived back into Canada and on a very wonderful and sunny day in May we were married in a small backyard ceremony with my family and closest friends. When I look back on all the sacrifices He made for me I break inside, because I overlooked them no matter how in my face they were, I never relised the things he left behind to be with me, to love me... And I respect him more now then I did when we were together. Anyway I'm drifting.. For two years he worked under the table at a grocery market in the sticks we live in, he made 10 dollors an hour and more then paid our bills on his own, while I sat on my ass. Yeah, I had a few jobs, I worked as a maid for a couple of months, then I worked at a couple of video stores, but nothing stuck. I was going through some personal problems at the time... I had panic attacks, my smoking was hindering heavily on my health and I was gaining weight like mad. When I think about it, I don't know why I was so depressed, or what made me just lay there while my world crumbled around me, but whatever the case... I felt I couldn't deal with it.

Last year He lost his job at the market, he was starting to slow down, I watched him slowly start going into what I was going through inside, personal turmoil, unhappy with his life, the way he was living, feeling stuck. And slowly, I was -coming- out of it, I started smiling more, wanting to hold his hand, cuddle against him. He grew colder, more distant. He spent alot of his creative energy on a game we'll call 'fungus' for now. We were arguing badly now, saying harsh things to eachother, enraging eachother until one of us snapped and did something stupid like make a hole the wall or throw a phone. Then he got another job at a wealthy woman's house that happend to be a friend of my mothers and I got a job with a pharmacy. I thought me getting a job and helping with the housework would help him, solve his problems... but I couldn't have been more wrong.

That's enough for tonight, I'm sleepy but I'm going to log on to a RPG and take out some pent up anger.
Well, its been a a shitty week thus far, work is exceedingly irritating and I find myself silently cursing everyone, whether or not they say anything to me. I just don't handle stress very well. My dog ate my favorite Davie Bowie CD last night, which I'm -so- not happy about, but there isn't anything I can do about it now. I guess I'll download the Mp3's I have room now, since I deleted all my husbands games.

I guess I'll fill you in with the first installment of my romance, this is what this blog is really for... Somewhere for me to vent all my emotions while I'm going through the ordeal of getting used to being alone.

1999 - Was bought a PC after I dropped out of school in hopes that I could be bribed back into graduating, no such luck, school had left a dirty taste in my mouth ever since the day my grade 2 teacher grabbed my hair and kicked me in the ass. For a few months I coast along the internet, one of the first things I download is a program called ICQ at the request of a friend who's had it since it's birth. A few months of chatting to morons and being coaxed into Cybersex I accept a chat request from an online buddy, May 28th 1998. There were 4 people in the same chat, I was so preoccupied watching the text scroll up my screen I wasn't really saying much. But aparently three of them were RL friends and then there was another girl named Rio in there. They see my picture and tell me how attactive I am more or less, I managed to edge a couple of sentances in there. But what was really weird was this guy named Talcott, he was into punk music, drove a funny looking car called a mini and when I saw his picture... Well, wow, this guy was hot. A few days went by since the day we all chatted. I added them to my ICQ list, and when I plucked up the courage I messaged Talcott and asked him if he remembered me from the chat. After a few moments he replied that he did, and asked how I was... Things bloomed from there.

We went to 5 or 6 messages a day to 5 or 6 hour long chat sessions and over the next 6 months we were devoted to eachother.
We made plans, he was going to come over here for 2 weeks and I over there for 3 months... October 17th 1998 he arrived at the Toronto airport...

I knew it was him when I saw him in the distance, he was wearing a grey shirt and these really cool pinstriped jeans with big black heavy boots. My Mom shouted, "There's Ross!" and he made a beeline for us, he was so handsome. I stared at him in disbelief for a few short seconds then wrapped my arms around him, then he said the thing that would and will haunt him for the rest of his life, he said quietly as my arms were falling around his shoulders... "I smell." We all had a giggle then made our way to the parking garage.
I was nervous, my stomach doing twists, I didn't know what to say. The entire car ride home I stared at his right knee as we were crammed tightly in the back of my moms trooper. I think he thought I didn't like him... He looked a bit sad.

A few hours later and we were alone again, after he met my family we both retreated into my bedroom and went on the computer. We had our showers (seperatly!) and he went to bed earlier, he was tired and jet lagged. So I watched him sleep, he's beautiful when he sleeps, he has these long black eyelashes and this perfect nose. And his lips pout a little... *sigh* He stirred after a few hours and by this time I was ready to sleep, but instead we talked the night away I complained of a sore back and he offered to give me a massage, it was good... Then one thing led to another and I gave myself to him, it was everything they chalk it up to be in the romance novels, it was special. The next morning, as the light was starting to stream into the room, we woke up and did it all over again. *Smiles*

Well there's the first installment, I have to get ready for work now...

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

This little piece was written for one of my roleplaying characters on an RPG I play quite addictivly.

Here is my war, my death and destruction.
The demise of the innocent and the ones that once were.
Battered souls lost in the throng of billion the same, forgotten names and faces, tears wasted.
I hear a cry, a gargled scream, the smell of blood, the taste on my lips...
Fingertips coated with a crimson sheen.
Hope once filled minds and hearts, now there is only bitter hate, resentment, lust and greed.
There is no light here, just the void.

My first entry... I might as well give you a few hints to who I am and what I proclaim to be.
Lis is my name, not given but it's mine, I'm old enough to do it right the first time and I live in Canada with my three cats, Graye, Biko and Kanga and my Jack Russel, Molly (named after a character in a cyberpunk novel by William Gibson). My husband used to live here, but we'll get to that in a bit... Welcome to my most private thoughts, emotions and fears.