Tuesday, June 10, 2003

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Monday, October 21, 2002

Well it's Sunday, the day of rest...

I've packed most my things in the bedroom now, all I need to do is sort out the date. It should be a week from today, if all goes as planned. We are set to paint on Wednesday or Thursday... Ahhh, I can't wait! I'm telling you...

So weird moment of the day I'm sitting in my room it's about 3pm, I've got Velvet Goldmine on the TV playing... My cellphone rings, I think to myself, "Oh, it's gonna be William calling on his break." But it isn't the guy on the other end asks for Crystal, I tell him, "There's no Crystal here, you have the wrong phone number." The conversation continues as this, "Oh, well who is it I'm talking to?" "This is a private number, I don't know where you got the number from, which phone are you trying to dial?" He states, "Err, well the phone number is off the phone now, I'm calling from a payphone, who is it I'm speaking to?" I get a little pissed off at this point and say, "Look, this is the wrong number!" and I hang up.

Fucking weird people. *Grumble* Anyway... I think William's upset with me. He wanted to come see me tonight but I told him I didn't want to be out late, as I have to be up tomorrow morning at 5am to catch the bus to make sure I'm at work for quarter to 8 in the morning. Anyway, he aparently bought me something from the Flea Market on Saturday and wanted to give it to me. But Frankly I'm tired of having to see him at night and we're out until 11 or 12, I liek to go to bed at 9-10ish. And the reason he has to wait to see me until the night is because he has to be around when his ex drops his kids off, then he has to put them to bed. Speaking of which I STILL havn't met them, it's been nearly three months. But I'm just so tired all the time now, and it's screwing up my schedule, I'm always late for work and such. It's not anyone's fault mind you, but I need to be a bit careful at work with the way things are going and the late nights out arn't doing much to aid.

I miss him, it's been 2 days! *Chuckles* I -want- to call him up and ask him if he'll come see me tonight, but I know it will lead to another late night. Oh well, I have my monthly friend anyway, it isn't as if we'll be hooking up for some extra nookie.

And my catfish died, woke up this morning and they were floating on the top. *Cries* I guess I should have bought a filter for them, the poor little dears. Next time I'll know better. R.I.P Sly, Sakura and Hatori. *sniffle*

So my Aunt is living here now, she's 68 and fucking annoying. She tells you how to eat, dress, wash your clothes, wash YOURSELF and she's driving everyone nuts. Thank god I only have a few more days of this. Right now she has my laundry, aparently I don't wash my clothes the right way and she's doing them for me. *shrugs* all the power to the old bat, let her do them if she really wants to. I can deal with that.

William and I have discussed alot of things recently... And I know I said I'd never re-marry... But now that I've found someone I'm so compatible with, I don't see it as such a bad thing anymore. I mean we have this amazing connection. Speaking of William... Here he calls... Finish this in a bit.

*laughs* I'm pathetic... Well, he's coming over tonight, we're going for coffee... Screw sleep I need my man. I'm going to go look into Spousal Abandonment on the Canadian government site and see if there is a way around this Divorce I have to look forward to. Catch you all later.

Love you!

Damn, didn't get to update yesterday... Anywho. Not much happend today, I had to get up after only four very restless hours of sleep, so my stepdad could give me a ride in to town. I ended up spending 2 hours at the coffee shop, drinking so much coffee I was bouncing off the walls for the remainder of the day. Now however I'm -REALLY- fucking tired, I can barely even keep my eyes open.
Came home, packed all my shit up save for the bed, a few clothes, TV and PC. Everything is ready to move. Thursday we paint it all up nice and pretty, for sure. I'm gonna call William later, talk to him briefly then I'm going to crash. I spoke to the Ex yesterday... It was polite. He's sending my CD's to me finally... Which was really cool of him. After I begged for months of course. *chuckles* And my catfish are still dead in the tank. I havn't brought myself to clean them out yet... Mainly because I'm freaked out, but oh well. Tomorrow I don't work until 3:30pm, so I have all morning to get used to the fact that the Dead Rotting Fish are going to have to get flushed down the toilet at some point or another.

My mom got bit by something weird... Her eye is all swollen and red. I keep telling her to go to the doctors... She states, "I'll go tomorrow if it's bad." Which basically means, "I'll go if I'm bleeding profusely from the eyes and ears." *sigh* Mean while if it was me or her other kids she'd be in a frenzy... Mothers huh?

I seriously hope my monthly friend is gone tomorrow, I'm sick of this bleeding stuff. It's really not a comfortable feeling. Sometimes I wish men could have it, just once... But don't all us women say that sort of thing? And here I classed myself as "not your typical gal" Ho hum, I'm getting ornery in my old age.

Something else of brief interest for you folks. My spine has actually started to curve inwards, just like my mothers. Which means in the next span of 10 years I could be just like her and have a rare form of M.S. Yay for me and stuff. I hate genetics, I fucking hate heretitary diseases. SOMEONE REALLY NEEDS TO FIX THIS DNA SHITE.

I just smoked a joint with my mom, some hashish. Yum. I feel all calm and stuff, save for the tingling sensation in my limbs. Grrr, I wish my step father would QUIT yelling, he has to be the most uptight stressed out man I've ever known. 6 more days until I move out, the countdown has begun. Mmmm.

Well I'm off to play my RPG some then I'll call William and THEN I'm going night night.


*ZonKs OuT*

Thursday, October 10, 2002

Ahem....

Today at work, the shipper and reciver, Mark mentioned to me in passing conversation if I was looking for an apartment... I nodded, he told me the details. $650.00 a month, all inclusive! That's a steal, especially in town. It means I can get to work fairly cheaply and be on my own again. Now here's the catch. I make $900.00 a month, which leaves me, after rent is taken away with approximatly $250.00. My boyfriend, William has stated he'd help me out where he could and he'd front $300.00 on the spot to pay for first and last rent when I move it. The place is ready on November 1st, which is less than 2 weeks away. Its a good thing too because my rent for my storage facility runs out in November. Its also a good thing because it means my baby Jack Russel Molly will be able to sleep with me in the house again, as well as my cat Kanga who my Father's been nagging at me to come and get from his place. Anyway, I've wandered slightly off track here again...

So how does a minimum wage girl make it on her own? With only $250.00 a month to clothe and feed her? Fucked if I know... But I won't complain... I mean I COULD do it, couldn't I? Ya'll know I live with my parents and the barrage of extra's, but sometimes it gets tight and we bump heads, I mean you're bound to with so many living in close quarters. This new place means freedom in a way, William can sleep over night, I can play my music loud, I can get cable TV and watch it from the comfort of my own bed... But all for a price, a good price none the less, but a price. There isn't much that I have complaint's about right now mind you. I like living with my parents, but at the same time I'm 21, this was ONLY supposed to be temporary in the first place, I feel like I'm being a burden. My brother and sister are cramped in the small room next to me, this means now that they can EACH have thier own rooms, with a growing boy he'll need the space really. Anywho, whatcha think? Good? I just have to come up with first and last. That shouldn't be all to hard, William is giving me $300, plus I get a pay in just before November 1st, which should be around $450.00, I just need $550 more. Maybe I can ask my Aunt or Dad for the remainder. Hmmm... I'm kind of excited!

Things are okay today, there are a few people at work that really piss me off, but now I just smile hugely at them and act as bubbly and annoying as I can, just to rub it in. They can fuck themselves! I refuse to bow down anymore, in any sort of way. I'll just continue to act as stupid and self absorbed as I can. I bought catfish yesterday at Wal-Mart, they're cute and surprisingly enough they are still alive... Hatori, Sly and Sakura are they're names. They're about an inch at the moment, silver with black markings and HUGE long white whiskers. Swim, swim, swim my little friends. I'm listening to Nick Cave again, he mellows me out and the tension just drains, currently I'm singing at the top of my voice to "Into my arms" can we say, "Mmmmm?".

Tomorrow morning William is coming bright and early for me aparently, we're going to look at my stuff in storage, pull a few winter coats out for myself and stuff, I didn't expect to be staying here so long and only brought T-shirts, shorts and skirts. I'm freezing my tits off, October's come in fast and cold. Have I mentioned how much I love autumn already?

Reminders! God I have so many things I have to do...
Get drivers licence, get some kind of Photo ID (I keep getting carded, it's embarassing.), Get my cavities filled, get my glasses because I'm as blind as a bat. I'm sure I'll get to these things eventually, like fuck I've only been putting it off for 2 and a half years now. *sigh* I'm a procrastinator, it's gotten slightly better over the past few years though, I think anyway. And by the way... NEVER eat the POUTINE from McDonalds, I have the WORST cramps ever, I swear there is an alien going to bust out of my guts at any given moment now... *SPLUT* ....Oops, did I get any on ya?

Well I'm going to call my father, see what he thinks about the whole apartment thing...

Monday, October 07, 2002

Okay, so I havn't updated my online journal in sometime... Forgive me, I've been busy in more ways than one.

William, the guy I spoke of earlier, 31, two kids, almost divorced. Well it's been 2 months now and we've been seeing eachother exclusivly. He's taken me to Niagra falls, movies, dinner... All that romantic stuff. It's been great, to great actually... I'm starting to worry. I mean, there must be SOMETHING wrong with him. So far I havn't found a single fault, save for he gets jealous easily. We've even told eachother that we're in love... Is this weird? God, I can't remember what it was like with my ex-husband. I can't remember the first time I told him I loved him or vice versa. We have so many things in common it's terrifying. We have the same interests, we have simply amazing sex. So what the fuck?! When and where is this going to go wrong? Because it always does... Eventually, something fucks up doesn't it? I havn't spoked to my ex in nearly 2 months, aparently he's disappeared off the face of the earth. Oh well, all the power to him... I'm still very bitter about him, sometimes it makes me smile when I think of him but most of the time I cry, angry bitter tears. People leave traces, visible or not... They leave traces, clothes they've worn, objects you've seen them hold or buy, familiar things you both spend time together with. Like, I find it hard sleeping in my bed some nights because it wasn't MY bed, it was OURS, we first made love in that bed, we were sick with the cold in that bed, we watched TV in that bed... Seems weird. Sometimes I can feel myself start to call William, Ross... God I hope it doesn't slip out one day.

Anyway, work is the same, they treat me like shit but I'm used to it. They don't like the fact that I'm dating William, he's an assistant manager and I'm a lowly cashier. But fuck them. We keep it professional... So what's it matter if we date outside of work? Conflict of interests, I know but I'd like to think that if William or I ever split up whilst working there together we'd be big enough to put our differences aside and continue working until something else came along. My debts are pretty much clearing themselves away, after three different credit bureaus on my ass, hounding me day after day and finally managing to track me down at work. Gah, they we're about to take me to court, I'd of had to file for bankrupcy at the tender age of 21. Gotta love life, eh boys and girls?

Ho hum... I'm sitting in my room with my big fluffy pink sweater on and listening to Tori Amos's remake of REM's - Losing My Religion. It's weeping time, I need to shake loose some pent up frustration and angst. I don't even get time to go on the computer anymore, not between work, William and home stuff. It makes me mad, when do I get my _ME_ time? I miss just taking off for the day, wandering around the little boutiques in town and bookstores. It's October now, the air is just right, clean, crisp and cold. Mmmm, I love autumn it's so vibrant, much like myself. *laughs*

I seriously have to get my own apartment again though, it's getting a little cramped here at my Moms. Lets see here, Mom, Step-Father, Brother, Sister, Grandfather, Aunt, 5 dogs, 2 Cats, 2 Birds, Turtle, Fish, Ferret and me. But it costs so much to live, I make less than a thousand a month, who the fuck can live off that and still manage to eat, watch TV, have a phone and heat? I'm sort of hoping all goes well with William and we can move in together but it's probably going to be a long while, what with his divorce and two young ones (Who I still havn't met). I'm going to watch my money over the next couple of weeks, no needless spending. Maybe I can save up a little nest egg? Who knows... The thought had occured to me to get a second job, but shit... Where would I fit it in? Between the full time job I have now, home life and my so-called social life? I'd probably go bonkers without that 10 minutes to myself during the day. Mmn, I should go out for a smoke and muck out the barn now before it gets to dark. William will probably call me later, if not come over to 'Talk' and I don't want to be stinking of shit when he gets here. And I just noticed the time on my computer is 2:03am when infact... It's 5:46pm! The oddities.

Give me somma that good good lovin'

Elisa...

Thursday, August 22, 2002

Mmmmmn!

Okay, so Wednesday night Bill comes to pick me up at my house, he's 10 minutes late. He comes to my door, my 7 year old brother answers and Bill asks if I'm there, he's wearing a black t-shirt and blue jeans. He looks -amazing- in a black t and blue jeans. *Smiles* anyway, he smiles at me and leads me out to the car and much to my surprise OPENS the door for me!

So we're going to Colosses, this UFO looking Movie theatre with a bar on the top floor, I've never been there but aparently its really good. So we're driving there through the back roads of buttfuck idaho when the car starts to smoke and a huge bang comes from the engine. We FLY out of the car as the smokes starts to fill itself with foul smelling smog. Anyway, it wont start... We're in the middle of nowhere... corn fields as far as the eye can see. I laugh hystercially, the situation just so called for it. We end up walking 4 miles to a gas station and we buy some oil and water to cool the car off long enough for us to get -somewhere-. So we hop back in the car after a couple of hours walking and talking. He admits he's attracted to me more than just friends, I admit the same thing. So we laugh, chitter chatter and the night's gone by. We decide to try and ride the shit box of a car as far as we can, close to where we live. It makes it to a central bus station and it's about 11pm at night at this point. Just me and him in the parking lot now, we talk a little more and he offers to give me money to take a cab home. I refuse and smile at him, I tell him I've had a great time dispite the set backs...

My cab arrives and I turn to him, after he's appologised for the night a million times and promised he'd make it up to me any way he could I just simply give him a huge hug... And my god, he felt so nice. So... warm. I was in la la land from that point on, the entire cab ride home all I could think about was how good he felt.

So I go in to work today and Lija, a good friend of mine who works there also, she asks me for my street adress and I thought nothing of it until later that night then I begged her to tell me why she needed it. She -refused- right out and would NOT tell me. So I laughed and wondered all night. I come home to 12 long stem roses, a teddy bear with angel wings and a patch on it's belly that says "Friends Forever" plus a little card that read [I hope this starts to make it up to you for last night] Signed William. I almost died... No one has ever done anything like that for me ever. I could cry with joy! What a fucking sweet heart... *smiles* Amazing, simply amazing.

I'm thinking of asking him tomorrow when I see him at work if he wants to come over to my house this weekend with his kids during the day and at night if he wants to watch Lord Of The Rings with me... All cuddled up cozy in my bed. *grins*

I'm scared though, I must admit... As great as this feels, as he feels... I'm scared of loving and losing again. But I'll never know unless I take the risk, right? Wish me luck.

Saturday, August 17, 2002

So, I admit it's been a while since I've updated... Some stuff has happend, and some stuff that should have happend didn't.

I can't even begin to start, I work 5 days a week, 8 hours a day, full time good hours, healthy hours. I work in retail. It's a bitch, people are bitches. I've come to laugh it off, it's another experiance I've gone through, at first it used to get to me, I'd come home stressed and want to shoot everything in sight, now... I laugh, hysterically. My ex-husband and I see eachother every once and a while in passing online. Our coversations are short and often contain such things as 'when are you sending my stuff' or 'can I have whatever back'. I laugh at that too now. I finally took the ring off, it was on my thumb for a while, then on my keychain now it's gone, locked away in it's own little private box. It's been 5 months since he left, it seems like forever and I'm having a good time. I admit I'm not exactly happy with myself, but I'm happy with my surroundings. After some thought I've decided to take things slowly, every choice in my life has been made in an instant. Granted life is to short, but then again it's also to short to miss the stops in between. I still cry, not as often and not about anything in particular, just... stuff, it's good to let loose once and a while, healing...
There is a gentleman online whom I speak to often (okay, every god damn day) he's sweet, caring, compassionate, handsome and charming. He's also across the Atlantic sea in England. But maybe we'll work on that. I'm not expecting anything from it, maybe it will grow, maybe it won't I do know I care about him deeply and could see myself in his arms, at the same time you have to kind of look at things realistically.

So, work... There's this guy there, his name is Bill... I've been mildly attracted to him since I started working there almost a year ago. He kinda reminds me of me... When I met him he was married, a child and another on the way. Now he's going through a messy divorce with his wife, who is trying to destroy him. Anyway, last week... I'm sitting in the office doing some price checks and minor stuff on the computer terminal and he says, "Lis, when are you going for your break?" I look at the clock and shrug, "Err, prolly about 12-ish... Why?" He smiles really cutely and says, "Do you want to go for coffee on your break?" I chuckle and nod, "Sure." Thinking he wants me to go pick coffee -up- for him. So break time rolls around and I knock on the office door and ask him what he wants from the coffee shop, he stands and says, "no.. I ment go -with- you." I blush profusely and stare at my shoes then blurt out, "Oh! Oh... Okay!" God, sometimes I can be the biggest moron.

Anyway, two days in a row we go for coffee and we're on the discussion of movies, he mentions he'd like to go see XXX with Vin Diesel in it, then goes on to tell me, "But I have no one to go with..." I take that as a hint and say, "I'd go with you!" He kind of mumbles and I take that as an affirmitive. 'NO'. Then leave it at that, kind of hurt and such. I don't even say good bye to him at the end of the day.

Okay, it's Tuesday now, the next day... He wanders up to me and smiles, "you didn't even say good bye to me yesterday!" I look at him blankly and say, "Err, sorry I had to go in a hurry." Which I didn't but at the same time I wasn't going to admit that I was disappointed by yesterday's blow off. Anyway, he says something to the effect that he wants to go to the movies with me and asks if I can go on thursday after work, I nearly shit my pants and burble out a, "Sure! I'd love to!" He winks and murmers he's picking the seats and not telling me where they are until thursday night. Tee hee, he's so -cute-.

So, it's thursday, I know he's working, I see his car, but I havn't seen him all day. (The store isn't that big) So I figure he's really working hard or avoiding me. Again I'm a bit miffed, more pissed off then anything. Towards the end of the day he comes up to me at my cash, buys a pack of gum and an auto trader, I say nothing to him, don't even -look- up at him. He looks a bit discouraged by this and I'm thinking to myself, 'Good you shit, you look that way!' I get so angry *laughs*

Anywho, he later tells me he just got back some papers from his wifes laywer and their pretty nasty, he's not really in the mood to go tonight, but we'll make another time for it, I nod and mutter I wasn't really up to it anyway.

Friday, Prince charming is there... Except he's really distant, hurt looking, angry. I wait all day to see him and when I do, I'm afraid to approach him, I walk by him what must have seemed like a million times but never quite get the courage to say anything. Finally just as I'm about to leave I walk right up to him and nudge him a bit and whisper, "Are you okay?" He doesn't even -LOOK- at me and he said, "Nope." So I blink, a bit confused and worried then whisper again. "What's wrong?" He states flatly, "Nothing." So I take that as my cue and I shrug, walking away, "Okay..."

I went and bought him a card, something to the effect of cheer up, if you ever need someone to bitch at then give me a call, I put my number in there... Maybe he'll call, maybe he won't. I hope he does though, I'd like to help him, even if I just sat there while he blazed at me. I know how he feels, mildly. I mean I didn't have kids and my divorce isn't nearly as bad. But at the same time I know... I mention to a good friend who also happens to be a co-worker the situation and she laughs, "I -knew- there was something going on between you two! You look so cute together." I shake my head and grin, "Neh, nothing going on, maybe never will be... Maybe I'm just being stupid in thinking he was interested in a friendship with me." And maybe I am, you be the judge.

Well it's late, I have to work tomorrow, which is a Sunday, 10am until 6pm. I look forward to having some sleep before hand. Maybe see my baby online... Although it's late over there. *sigh*

Good night folks, don't forget to brush your teeth.

Thursday, July 25, 2002

I don't know what to think anymore, how to feel, what to feel... I'm at my wits end. This isn't just about my husband leaving me, it's about my life. So many dead ends, so many heartaches that could have been avoided. I'm an idiot. From the moment I was born, I have been. it's always about me, isn't it? Wah wah wah, I'm sorry if I have high goals that I'll never be able to reach. I'm sorry if I love to easily, trust to freely. Fuck I'm sorry for being sorry. My life is... Cliche. Abusive, abnormal, dysfunctional. It's all irrelevant, isn't it? If I had the balls, If I had some gumption I'd get up and leave, walk away into unknown territory... I want so many things from life, so many things that could, might make me happy. But I have ties, don't I? Do I risk leaving the country I've known all my life to go live with a bunch of people I've only known for a short time and never met in my life? Do I risk losing my family over it? Does my family own me? So many questions that I wish I could answer myself, I had hoped to move to the UK, live out my life working there, loving there. I had hoped to get my drivers licence, schooling and life's little finacial disasters sorted before I got to England. But I don't know what's possible anymore. I know I just want to leave, and I know my mother feels angry about that, for all she's done and tried to do for me. But she has her own life, she needs to make it on her own just as I do. She has two beautiful children, Steven is six, Lauren is a year and a half. Granted her marrige seems to leave much to be desired. But if she can't work it out with him, then I know she can go on. Me, I havn't to much to hold to here. Family is so important to me, yet I feel the urge to leave the nest, I have always felt that way. I can't explain weather it's to escape it, or leave it because I want a new direction, something that no-one in my life has tried and suceeded in. My head swims with the possibilities of my future, what I -could- be doing, and how. The point is, I need to get there, I feel weighed down, dragged out, worn. So many obligations... I've begged for help, the right kind of help, I keep getting told I'm stupid for wanting to disban from here, I'm going to make yet another mistake when I do. But isn't that up to me to decided? Could I not be happy over there? Living with friends I've met? Finding new ones? Giving myself a breath of a new existance? I just want out. Not that it's horrible here anymore, but it used to be. I can remember being terrified of both my parents, they were fierce, hurtfull, vengefull. I remember crying as a little girl alot, I don't cry as much now, I hold it within and hope someday it will disolve of it's own accord. I forgive my parents for what they did, up until few months ago I was still fighting the inner demons of my past. Now it's just whispers instead of angry screams. I like living here, with my mother and my family, but at the same time I feel crunched, I don't have the opertunity to be who I want to be. I have to explain myself, it's their home... And I respect that fully, but I'm 21, I don't need to be here, as welcome as they have made me feel. Right now, I can't afford to live on my own, or I would, at the same time I don't see it right that I live here until my debts are paid off then fuck off to some forgien country. Do you see where I'm coming from? Do you understand why I feel so trapped, blocked in and barricaded? Its not just about me, it's who I will effect. Who I will let down, let go of and leave behind. What will they think of me? Will they hate me? Will they regreat ever helping me? Its so hard to talk when your head is buzzing with everything you've ever known inside. It's rattling in my skull, each thought and memory rebounding off another, colliding and causing this huge jumble of utter and compleate crap. Then it evolves, it takes on a life of its own, causing me to say and do things I don't really know if I mean. I wish I could write a book, but then again doesn't everyone? Would my life be so different from anothers? Would someone learn from my mistakes? God no... I certainly didn't learn from other peoples. No more spending money on needless crap, no more living in debt. No fucking More. I'm going to move as soon as I can, provided I don't get booted out on my ass again. I'm going to sell my wordly possesions, leave those dregs of pain behind with someone else. I'm going to get some fucking money together and get myself in shape, healthy. Fuck, I could write a whole book with nothing but the word FUCK. It's a beautiful word, don't you think? Fuck this, Fuck that, Fuck him,. Fuck her, Get fucked, Fuck off, Go fuck yourself, Fuck you and yours, Fucking bitch, Fucking hell, Fuck the world, Fuck your family, Fuck your mother, father, sister and brother, hell Fuck your grandparents too. Fuck me, Fuck you.

I'm tired and I had this huge... I don't know what the fuck it was called with my Ex. Basically he's getting to the point where legally this, and legally that. Well FUCK legally. I won't give up just yet, I still have some time left... even if it's just a little.

I don't have all the time in the world, but I have all the time in my sad, sorry existance, and if it means going out and getting shit done then fine. Yeah, call me selfish, tell me I'm thinking of myself but I don't have children, I don't have a wonderful high paying job and I don't own anything important, so what if I want to move over there? I love it there, I want to live and breath that air. I need that place. To many bad memories here, even if I lied and said I put some of them to rest... I just don't want to do -this- anylonger.

Don't try and hold me down... The more people do the worse it gets. I remember the day I first left for England with Ross, my mother was crying so hard... And everytime I called her she would cry and cry and cry. I remember feeling bad, guilty. It's half the reason I came back, if not all of it. Maybe I shouldn't have... Would my life have been different? She would have gotten over it, I know she would have. Maybe she would never have forgived me, but I really wouldn't have had any control over that. So who's to blame? is there blame to be laid on to anyone? Circumstance, that's a hidious word... "It was just circumstance." I think Ross used to use the phrase, "Give me a place to stand, and I will move the world." I thought it funny, because he never really acomplished much in his time with me. Now he's moving, and I'm at a stand still. My head is throbbing and my fingers are numb, but I just want to keep typing, the rattle of the keys is somehow relaxing, the quiet hum of my computer, the white glare of the screen against my face, it's familiar in this unfamiliar territory. My father told me tonight I should smash it, no good will come of it. It's classified as evil and there are weird people on the internet... Does that make me weird and evil too? I don't think my friends are weird or evil, they're just like me, alone, hurting and wanting without having access to much else. I can relate, this is why I'm going to see them, every last one.

I don't want to die with a broken heart, please... Someone help me find the pieces.